Re: [bookclub] Prose style in 'Losing Your Grip'

[Neil Cerutti <neilc@norwich.edu>]

In article <3899DADE.D4D94835@health.missouri.edu>,
  Brandon Allen <allenbr@health.missouri.edu> wrote:
  > > No, it's a perfectly nice sentence with a clever idea.
  > > Which would be killed stone dead if too much extraneous
  > > detail were added to it.
  >
  > I agree, I think the original sentence was better than the
  > re-write proposed. But, for the sake of discussion, I'll
  > offer a revision of my own, leaving out the whole issue of
  > exactly what the leads are conveying:
  >
  > "To your left, a bank of monitors wheep monotonously in
  > response to the tangle of  leads and sensors attatched to
  > your skin."

  I still like the original more than your revision.

  Agreement: "... a bank of monitors wheeps...."

  "Monotonous" doesn't improve the "wheeping" metaphor. I've
  never heard monotonous wheeping. But it's an interesting
  juxtaposition.

  Why "leads and sensors"? Use only the best word to make the
  sentence more graceful.

  > Now, _I_ like that better. (I'm positive that plenty of
  > others disagree) I suppose that this serves to highlight what
  > seems to be the emerging theme of this discussion, that it's
  > all a matter of personal taste, and the prose reflects the
  > individuality of the author.

  I think it shows that a sentence that includes many details
  often has less punch than one that is short and brutal.

  So how is an IF author to decide which details are the most
  relevant? That is a question more pertinent to IF than a
  question of writing style, which is after all the topic
  of other newsgroups.

--
Neil Cerutti (neilc@norwich.edu)


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